A Spiritual Journey of Healing
The following 10 part story is my personal account, rather a documentation, of the transformation I experienced during the year 2012.
I had been blindly practicing Present Moment Awareness, picked up a daily yoga habit, and without a direct intention I metamorphosed from a “functioning-cripple” into an extremely Spiritually-in-tune being.
Join me along this journey, enjoy the ride, and experience how I found my spirituality… or maybe how my spirituality found me.
Little to no editing was done to this story as I wanted to preserve the stream of consciousness style. I chose to leave it as close to its natural state as possible.
1st Post of 10 Posts
August 6 2012, 5:04 PM by Yoga4EDS
I’m not quite sure where this should start or where it will lead to, but I have an interesting intuitive navigational system I like to call my gutty-works… and me gutty-works is saying, start a blog.
My intention is to help others with Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome but I have a feeling this bleeds into other areas of “suffering” if you will. This blog is being created to use in conjunction with the Facebook group, Yoga For Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I didn’t want to fill up that page, paragraph by paragraph.
I don’t really want to start with myself but I guess I kind of need to. I’m a 28 year old girl, or woman, or something in-between. I was diagnosed with type III EDS when I was 13 and have never found answers… well, I have never found answers outside of myself. Been to doctors, started an online group, traveled 11 hours to meet up with others who have EDS. Sorry folks, nothing.
So I did the next best thing I could do other than just lie in bed all day: I became medicated. I figured, this is it: No answers, whatever. And I pretty much remained in that state until I had enough. This is going nowhere. I am going nowhere. I’m intelligent, yet I’m just stuck.
So I’ve always been the type to question, I thank my parents for that. I questioned Santa Claus in kindergarten (a little too early if you ask me). I questioned God when I was 13 and became an atheist, until I was 25. So I have an against the grain vein in me. I think lots of people with chronic illnesses have that “different” perspective. It’s like we’re not so “caught up” like everyone else and we have a moment to see.
So I love my doctor, I really do. I respect her. But the ‘Western Medical World’, I’m sorry, but it’s a P.O.S. system. Health Care? More like, revolving door druggary. Yes, hi, we don’t know how to ‘heal’ you, but here are some pills so you will shut up and stop bothering everybody… oh, and so you’ll keep coming back every month. CHA-CHIIIINNNNGGG! What the hell did I get myself caught up in? I’m feeding a branch of corporatism. The Pfizer fucks who kill you and rape you at the same time.
What’s the alternative? Ain’t no doctor gonna tell you the alternative. I can only try to explain what I have found.
Alright, so you can’t change some things. As powerful as I can make my mind, I still have Ehlers-Danlos Syndrome. I spent a year trying to convince myself that I didn’t have EDS. That kinda didn’t work, and from where I stand now, it wasn’t supposed to work. This is where it gets creative. In the past year I just happened to come across a couple of books that helped nudge me along my way. MY way. Putting the power back in MY hands. The 3 books in particular were:
Robert Anton Wilson’s Prometheus Rising,
Osho’s Creativity: Unleashing the Forces Within
Ouspensky’s In Search of the Miraculous.
The first book just totally blew apart my thoughts on what reality is. The second allowed me to feel the calm, beauty and god (grace) in everything I do. The third totally awakened me.
So little bit by bit I was bettering myself, dropping all of my bad habits. This was throughout 2011/early 2012. A reccurring theme I kept getting blasted with was “the yogi”. “The yogi this, the yogi that.“ I thought, “Ya know, yoga was the ONLY thing that ever gave me some sort of ‘relief’.” From August 2011 until about December 2011 I was finding myself giving yoga a shot, but it was every couple of days. I would only keep it up for a week or two, then drop off, pick it up again, blah blah.
I have a really good memory anymore, and it’s driving me nuts because I keep asking myself, “Why did I give yoga such a sure shot starting in January?” I can remember so many details about pointless this’s and that’s, but something that I want to know so I can convey. It escapes me. I think I internally knew: This is it kid. Just do it. DO IT! Shut up and go!
So it’s August 6th. Since the 2nd week of January I have been doing yoga, like doing it. Everyday. There was a 2 week spread in February when I went on vacation, fell off track and regretted it but such is life. I keep using the word yoga, which is correct, union. But to be clear, this is not the stretchy yoga that comes to most minds. This is an awakening of the nervous system, building strength for joints and balance; a type of alchemy if you will. On the facebook page I kept dropping Rainbeau Mars’ ra’yoka, because this DVD awakened me!
I think there is something in taking control of your life. Well, I know there is something in taking control of your life. With Ehlers-Danlos you are pretty much lost This may seem far out, but I believe there is a place for illness in society. Accept it, you have it. Now what? In South American cultures they make use of their ill. They become the shamans; the ones who can shift through different states of consciousness. It took me a long time to realize: Oh jees, that’s what I’m doing! Because I’m always in constant pain, I’m shifting my consciousness so I can interact with this person or accomplish this task while still in pain, but trying not to realize I’m in pain. I’m shifting my consciousness.
That’s the creative part. I’m really going out of a limb here throwing this all out there, but I guess I’m saying it’s ok to be different. If I accept I have E.D.S., finally face E.D.S., now, what can I do with this? I said on the facebook page that it’s almost like we are chosen to do yoga. I had a couple of different angles I was conveying there but that came from Sri Swami Sivananda’s book Kundalini Yoga where he states only some are chosen for yoga.
We got creative now I’ll get a little crazy. I…. personally…. believe…. there is a genetic reality running the show. There, I said it. So I laugh at myself, if I… me… if I believe there is a genetic reality running the show then why the heck do I have Ehlers-Danlos? Well, every society needs a shaman. Or maybe this society is killing itself, seemingly soulless schmucks bumping into each other because they’re tethered to their texting. Ok, maybe I’m still being creative here… but my navigational gutty-works pushed me along this way.
I was walking my dog a couple of months ago, say late May or early June. He was sniffing something like he does and I heard a bee buzzing behind me. I am a pretty fearless gutsy gal but I do have one weakness: these bees. So up until this point of the walk I was trying to feel calm, connected to everything… I was feeling good. But I hear this bee, my heart escalates. My first reaction is to jerk my dog along and scram. But the little voice in my head that speaks up here and there said, “No, turn around, look at the bee.” So I was like “Ok, whatever, I’ll look at the bee.” As I turn, I realize the bee is below me somewhere. My eyes fix on those top heavy little white clover flowers, one after another, bouncing back and forth like a jack-in-the-box. Hearing the buzzing louder, I crouch and see a bee, maneuvering his way, flower to flower…. with only one wing.
That week I had a lot of strange ‘coincidences’ some call them synchronicities: “Push forward. Don’t give up no matter how tough it is… this is the way. This is how it’s supposed to be, so go forward.“ So that’s why I’m laying this out there. I’m not a blog person. I actually don’t share any of my feelings about pain to anyone because I have learned in the past there is no common ground for understanding. That, and I don’t want to be a bummer.
But, I’m in control now, and I like where this is going.
271 views and 1 response
- Aug 10 2012, 9:46 AM
- anon e. churchmoused responded:
- Beautiful post. Beautiful synchronicity with the bee… You are the cutting edge of evolution, so we must still push forward.
As Above So Below… East, Meet West.
2nd Post of 10 Posts
“Wringing out my spine.
Breathing my body awake.”
As I was just lying in savasana (the ‘corpse pose’, you lie there almost as if you are dead… thoughtlessness is the aim…) actually it was towards the end of savasana, an hour of yoga, 20 minutes savasana, I decided to ask one question. What are the first things that come to mind when I ask what good did this yoga do for me today?
“Wringing out my spine.
Breathing my body awake.”
I woke up to so much pain. I was having a playfully, pleasant dream, awoke to a pleasant boyfriend and pleasant dog… and I’m like, what gives? This is like freakin’ Groundhog Day. Awaking to the same nightmare, day in day out. Solution… hit the mat first thing. It’s what I’ve been doing all these months but now that I’m trying to convince people that I might be onto something… I believe in just throwing yourself out there… no thoughts, no questions…. Just allow the sleepwalk onto the mat and wake up a fresh new you.
As I sit here now, spine wrung out, body and mind awake I laugh at the me that was stiff and silly. Whenever I first start the practice I’m surprised at how tight I am but once I get my flow on I’m like, Oh yeah, that’s why I’m addicted to this.
So I sleepwalk onto the mat… become aware of my breath, become present in the moment and feel and see the body-mind connection. I try to hold onto that for the entire hour, being extremely present. As the breath is being controlled and is flowing correctly my nervous system and circulation flow more harmoniously than any other method. And not only is it mat time… AS ABOVE, SO BELOW. What happens on the mat plays out in the day ahead of me. That is almost the best part. Life has become fun now because I can feel more empowered in the parts I need to play.
I sleepwalk on… there was one day in particular…. when I felt myself awaken. At the end of savasana you slowly move yourself to your side and then slowly push up with your hands so you are sitting on your legs. As I pushed up with my hands my perspective was much different than the one I had known before. Whoooooooaaaahhhhhhhhhhhhh I thought as I was no longer the me I had known before. I felt infused. I felt like “I” was no longer “I”. And with the knowledge I learned from those books, I tried to hold onto that feeling. I got up and continued with my regular routine of making one of my healthy breakfasts. Whoooooahhhhhhhhh…. This issssss weeeeiiiirrrrddddd…… Welllllll, I’d much rather remain in this state as much as humanly possibly… than be a lost soul stuck in a bad dream.
Right Handed? Not no mo.
3rd Post of 10 Posts
Regarding my last post, I guess this must be February 3rd. I said how waking up every day to pain was like the movie Groundhog Day. Wait, how did Bill Murray get out of “it”? Did he bang Andie MacDowell or something? Ha, I don’t even know if that was the moral of that story. I guess you could say me writing about it yesterday was my bang bang. Anyways, I started this blog to convey information, and oh, hahaha, I am already realizing, oh, this is a release. You sneaky subconscious, always doopin’ me, that’s if I listen.
In… for… mation. Yeah. So, if you are up to a major game change, I’m ready to lay it out there. Me gutty is telling me this is an esoteric realm we’re dealing with, but I don’t really know that, fer sureee. This will sound so simple so silly. But the effect, not so simple or silly.
So yesterday I posted that I do a routine in the morning. Sleepwalk, yoga, breffast. Breakfast, not only the most important meal of the day say some champions, but I added to my recipe: Integrated. In Ouspensky’s In Search of the Miraculous, in which I don’t know if I really recommend it, my gutty works found the book for me, and it had a lot of correlations with personal experiences, I didn’t even recommend it to my boyfriend, so I’ll just convey what stood out. The book is the account of an author, a seeker, following the philosopher George Gurdjieff.
Here’s the simplicity… if you are right handed… become left. I’m sure the same goes for the opposite, but I cannot attest. ??? I’m not talking train yourself to write or eat left handed. I’m talking open the refrigerator door, pick up the coffee cup, pet the dog, simple things. Whilst becoming left handed, you are doing this mindfully, almost sensually. See, you could try to become mindful using your right hand, but you spent your whole life using your right hand and the focus just isn’t there. Try it, touch something with your right hand, and try to really sense what you are touching. Now try it leftie. The more you do this the more you see. And the more you crack crack crack open your right (subconscious) brain… who cannot talk, but is trying to tell you……
Results don’t happen overnight. I forget if it took a couple of months, but in the words of Borat, “Wow wow wee wow!”
And the picture cred goes to my boyfriend, who made this one bored morning. It was great because I caught it in action, some old man pointing at it looking at me with a huge grin, “That ain’t no dog!”
The Happy Brain
4th Post of 10 Posts
When we get down to it, what does everybody want? Forget all the ego driven desires like money and fame, it always comes back to happiness.
In my last post I was touching on the union of right brain and left brain, or at least a harmony that can begin. Left brain thinks he’s in control and thinks that brain is just brain. Brain is two brains. If you aren’t going to listen to your right brain, you are not whole.
Just so happens I went to the best art exhibit I ever went to in my life. )Sorry Van Gogh and Rembrandt!) It was appropriately titled, The Happy Show. I found it by chance… hee hee… and it just so happened to be the last day of a 4 or 5 month showing. Whew. When I walked down Walnut St. from this show I was on cloud 9. I just felt soo freakin good: This guy knows what I’m thinking about! The first quote I was blasted with was about how the right brain and left brain need to work harmoniously. Maybe that was the quote about the man riding the elephant, thinking he, the left brain is in control, when really he is riding around on the elephant.
So what am I getting at here. Well, there are different stages or levels or awarenesses of consciousness. And if you are in pain all the time… it’s like what the hell kind of hand was I dealt? Really? And I’m sure all people can say that about their life at some point. So what, fall victim? Fall to escapism? I tried that for 10 years and like I said before, that got me nowhere.
When you hear “rite of passage”, well when I hear it I think of movies, maybe because I took a film class, but I think oh yeah, The Breakfast Club, coming of age… rite of passage film. No, I’m talking about shocking your brain so hard it blasts into the frontal lobe stimulating as many neurons as possible. South American cultures will send a young man into the jungle, or the aborigines’ into the desert, with no food, for 3 days. There is a list of ways to accomplish this. Buddha, sat under the Bodhi tree for 3 days. So what is the outcome from this snap? The Happy Brain. If you become present in the moment there is no room for worry. If you are continuously observing the world around you (and participating as well) you are not thinking about this pain or if you are not in pain, this worry. And that’s just where it begins…
The pictures in this post were mainly from the bathroom, as photography was not allowed. My boyfriend did get to capture the monkeys. Ha, Everybody Thinks They Are Right. How true. The yellow card was for visitors to draw what makes them happy and Mr. Sagmeister will upload them to his page. It did say no smiley faces. I started with a lotus, and thought… being aware of who I really am is the thing that makes me happiest. Eh, he’ll get it. Stefan Sagmeister – The Happy Show. Also, The Happy Film to come out in the near future. Oh, he did do a couple of TED talks. He is a designer, so maybe that’s why I like him.
Oh Sweet Sha-nah-nah-ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh…..
5th Post of 10 Posts
Savasana, pronounced shah-vah-sah-nah, that damn corpse pose again, huh? Ya know, I think there is something to this pose, and if you are able to sleep on your back at night well then you can do this pose. I’m well aware that E.D.S. has a full spectrum of “followers”. Ha, sorry, it’s just that you can’t “escape” it. So as I do this yoga pose or that yoga pose nowadays I’m trying to imagine, eh, that might hurt someone’s knee, or this might hurt some guy’s arm for a week. UGH!
I had a testing-enough, not testing… testing-enough mid-week this week and I felt discouraged at times. But as I go and flow through it all I’m present and thinking, ok, what am I supposed to be learning from this? When I think and act like that I feel as if I ‘grow’ much much muchos quickeros. SO, my big realization of the week…. Be aware of your breath at all times. All times.
Sounds simple… sounds simple to do and sounds like it has no effect. But it’s the center of the storm of a hurricane. I heard a lady yesterday use the word ‘cane for hurricane. I’m all about truncating words… but do people do that? Say ‘cane nowadays? I know I’m out of touch but c’mon.
But yes, constant awareness of breath. Whoahwe jeese. Oh yeah, I was saying it sounds simple to do… but even if you try it… you quickly realize how quickly you become unaware of it. This Ra’Yoka practice, the alternative audio setting, really changed my life. I’m shocked that not one dvd, in the stack of my yoga dvds, addresses this way of breathing like she does. Once I started breathing like this I thought, what the hell, have I been breathing wrong for 28 years? And is everyone else breathing ‘backwards’, too?
It seems as if people try to fill up their lungs or their gutty when breathing in, and then you push that air out into the air. I’m trying to recreate ‘that’ now but it’s screwing up all my work here. The “other way”… you breathe in…. with your focus starting at your solar plexus, your core, the space above your belly button. As you breath in, feel the breath rise up through the center of your body, and out to your skin, and feel as much surface area as possible. Feel your hands, your arms, your chest and eventually your feet… open. As you breath out, feel the breath fall from your skin back down into your solar plexus. It feels almost like a flowering. It can get fancier with imagining the solar plexus as a yellow ball of energy. I try to feel the energy of the sun, or cosmic energy coming from another dimension or somewhere into my solar plexus and then through my body.
So try this now, seated, give it a shot. Take a couple breaths.
Inhale out to the skin….. exhale, slowly relax within.
……. …………………….. ………………………………..
Doesn’t that just feel good? It’s like what the hell have I been doing my whole life? I don’t need anything else but that! So other than breathing like this through any yoga practice… use it for any practice you try… a good place to imprint this style of breathing on yourself is in savasana. Not only does it imprint, but it affects.
To help facillitate this rewiring of my nervous system, I’ll stay in savasana for about 20-30 minutes. Some days I can only fit in 10 minutes. Today, I shocked myself because it ended up being 40 minutes. I want to keep pushing the time as I feel there is something to this meditative pose. I know some stay in it for 2 hours. I can only imagine what happens there.
I found this pose to be most beneficial after a yoga practice, because your body is wrung out and you can forget about your body a little easier that way. But if you are not ready to do yoga yet, just lay on your back, on the floor, spine aligned, legs spread about hip width apart, let your feet relax, lay your arms alongside your body, relaxed… and just breath in. The first breath is always nice because you really focus on it, like siiiiigggghhhhhh. Use your breath to relax all parts of your body. As you continue to breathe though… that’s where the thoughts come in. This is where people get discouraged and say, I don’t want to meditate, I can’t quiet my mind. Yeah, it ain’t easy. It’s not like a switch, especially with the society we have today we are constantly stimulating our minds. But all great meditators will say… just let the thoughts pass. Acknowledge them, don’t fight them, and then they fade. The first handful of times you meditate, this will be your task. I find that focusing on the breath, and the rising from solar plexus to skin, with the yellow ball of energy is a good place to start.
As I would start to become overwhelmed a few times the past couple of days I would instantly remember, just become aware of your breath. This is after weeks of ‘certain mindgames’ I’ve been playing with myself… but as soon as I felt the breath come through me, I would remember… this is ok. Ok. I get it.
And as of now these are just little afternoon sketches. Sleepwalk, yoga, breffast, write, sketch, walk…. Something is telling me I should give more time for the art. But for now, I’m just letting my right brain get itself out a little.
August 25 2012, 11:20 AM by Yoga4EDS
Another 40 minutes in Savasana. Just naturally stayed there for the same amount of time as yesterday. I wanted to post yesterday that I had read on Wikipedia that lying in Savasana actually repairs your organs and muscles. Then I noticed it read, citation needed. So I googled this statement and everyone quoted the Wikipedia statement…. So I hesitate to spread this… but I like to believe such, and maybe that is good enough.
If you are not ready to lie on the floor and have family members ask, what the hell are you doing?… I tried savasana before drifting to sleep for you. You can thank my dog, he is accustomed to me lying in the fetal position, not on my back. After doing such, and drifting peacefully to sleep, I realized trying savasana in bed with the solar plexus breathing is an easy place to start. To start.
I’ve had a few interesting things happen to me during and due to Savasana these past couple of months. Maybe I should just start at the beginning. In January, while in Savasana, only after a short while on this kick… I would all of a sudden get a flash of a piece of art. Whoah! I do collage work and that would be great! I wonder if I can see that again. Blam! There’s the same image! This is neat! Thank you, brain! A couple days later, same thing. A couple days after that I asked, how about another piece of art: “Queen Cow” was the phrase that came to mind as I saw a collage image of a glorified queen cow amongst flowers and other images. I was thinking… man, I can really use this gift! So again, a couple of days later, in Savasana, I said… another piece of art? When I hear something in my mind, it’s not really a voice, it’s more like the thought is implanted in my head, but it’s kind of like a voice. Well this time when I asked I heard almost scoldingly, “Stop asking me for ideas and start purifying yourself!!!”
That almost gives me the chills reliving that. When I “heard” that I was so thrown off. I thought I was just simply tapping into the right brain who I thought was all la la la miss art. This voice said stop asking ME? Who the fuck is ME?!
So, before this time, every time I ate a cheeseburger or some red meat, not necessarily steak, but burgers… when I was done eating… the feeling of having meat stuck in my teeth drove me nuts. I felt like a barbarian. This is also after learning that when you eat a burger, it’s not like it’s from one cow… there are like a thousand cows in that burger. Ugggggghhhhhhh! If one has a disease or anything… ughhhh. If you eat a steak, that’s one animal. And I’m not getting into ethics here, just the health aspect of it all. I even thought, why would you kill an animal that gives you milk? Doesn’t seem logical.
Anyways… Oh yeah, Savasana Magic. Oh so, well for years I’ve been pretty healthy in the food and product departments. Ever since “ “ told me to purify myself…. I was unprepared for that…. I have been consciously and subconsciously been aware of everything I put in my body. I don’t even eat cereal anymore… not even cow milk: we now use almond milk. So, for months I was doing the yoga bit and meditating in Savasana. Nothing out of the ordinary jumps out to me from the months of spring. Oh yeah, I was seeing some characters from a book I was working on and I thought that was interesting so I was exploring that. Then in early summer something really interesting happened. I was lying in Savasana for maybe 20 minutes or so and I was really trying to focus on my third eye. I was trying to relax my two eyes, my two brains, and let go and focus on the third eye. I had a lot of interesting things happen when I did that meditating over the years. Then… I felt something like a tunnel open, to my forehead. That has happened before, but this was different. I started to feel the walls of the tunnel vibbrrraaattteeeeeee. The vibration was resonating to my head. I realized there was a shaman on the other side of the instrument, somewhere…through the clouds, far, far away. I was just allowing it all to happen, and he was blowing into this instrument, kind of like a didgeridoo, with his breath vibrating Ohhhhhhhhhhhmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. I felt the vibration grow stronger, it was rocking my brain stronger, until all of a sudden… oh god… I felt the condensation that collected on my end of the instrument… I felt a couple beads of condensation hit my forehead and I instantly snapped out of it. What the hhheheeeeeeeeeehuhhhhhh? I have seen things… but to feel……
Yeah, I think this was in June… so the next day I was ready to visit whatever that was again. And to try to not give into astonishment. So I did the yoga practice… was lying in Savasana for 20 minutes or more. I wasn’t really getting anywhere: it’s tough to balance wanting something and letting go. So, I knew it was like 20 minutes in or so. I was focusing on my third eye… I was getting somewhere relaxed… but not “there”. So I had snapped out of “it” a little bit and thought eh, maybe I should focus on my breath and solar plexus a little bit. Maybe I’m trying to focus on my third eye a little too much. As soon as I brought my attention to my solar plexus as a big glowing ball/sun of energy.. oh man… I blasted to an image of a sun…. I was somewhere else. BAM! I was looking across water…. The yellow glow was covering everything I could see. It was catching in all the ripples of the water. I was being blasted with the gold. Then, I realized, I was in a boat… with 3 shamans. But, I realized when I went to draw this image… I was understanding it was 3 shamans, it was definitely 3 shamans, but I had only seen 2. Language and communication in these places is more of an “unspoken” type… it’s just understood. I kind of destroyed my ego long ago… but something forced me to question… or something was like you idiot, you were the third shaman.
Who needs tv when you already have all the channels. Oooo, it’s 11:11. Maybe that means I’m done. 😉
Oh, no, I never brought up the cicadas. Duhs. We took a “family” walk last week, which means my boyfriend, my dog and I. We walked to the elementary school. I like walking there because there are trees, butterflies, squirrels, dogs, peeps… ya know, something always happens. It seems like my whole life, the closest I ever got to cicadas other than hearing them, was seeing their ugly brown shells all over the place. When I was a kid I thought that was the bug and thought it was amazing that I could fill up a butterfly net with them.
So, on our walk I spotted one, making short, zippy, circular flights amongst one of the big ol trees there. I pointed him out to my boyfriend: he’s on that leaf, right there, right there! As he got closer, buggy zipped away. I usually cut across the grass on a “Mommy & Yoda walk,” but thought, eh, Yoda likes to pee on that telephone pole, what the hell. So we walked farther towards the pole, and I heard a cicada louder than I have ever heard before. AHH! He’s on the pole! WHOAHhhhhh! Look how pretty they are! He had these two big black eyes that were spread far apart… just like Yoda’s… so I melted. Awwww…. He’s soooo cute! He’s not some ugly thing I always thought he was! My boyfriend walked up and Mr. Cicada put on a little show for us and we saw him play his song. WHOAHHHHH! Look at him!!! As soon as he was done, my boyfriend said, “I want to touch him.” I was thinking, NO DON’T!!!!!! I don’t know why… I just felt like NOOOO DON’T! My boyfriend gently stepped forward, gently put out his hand and with those big black eyes staring at us the back of my boyfriend’s pointer finger graced the Mr.’s back. It registered and the bug was like ok, I’m done, peace! And flew away. Hahaha, my boyfriend said, “That was probably the most novel thing to ever happen to him!”
I instantly shifted from NO DON’T TOUCH HIM… to… I wanna touch one!
I want to touch one.
So the next day I’m taking pooch for a walk and I always stretch my legs on this tree directly in front of my house. As I was stretching, something made me look down, and I saw a pretty bug lying on his back. Ha, maybe he was in Savasana! Anyways, I thought…. HAHA, Universe…. Sooo funny. Yeah, just like the time we woke up at 5 a.m. in Florida to see the turtles come onto the beach. We were there, but they were not. And I said, I just really want to see a turtle on the beach. And then hours later, after a boat ride, there is a huge, beached, bleached by the sun, dead turtle on his back. HAHA, Universe. I think I have to be careful what I wish for, if anything. So…………….. I crouched down with a little stick in hand to flip him over, but I noticed his one leg stretch out. He’s alive! So I flipped him over and thought… how prettttyyyy! Yoda realized I was up to something and with his pug, flat face up against Mr. Cicada the 2ndbreathed in a huge pug breath, like who are you Mr. Bug? And I thought, how novel for the bug. He gets this gentle giant dog who “has the love of Jesus in him” give him some acknowledgement… before he goes to the other side. So I got to pet the cicada, too.
The next day, I was in Savasana. I realized…. Oh man…. I should be humming Ommmmmmm while I’m lying here. That’s what the shaman was trying to tell me. When I sit and meditate, I do just that, but lying down, I just didn’t think that felt right. So after about 20 minutes of relaxation I’ll breathe out Ommmmmmmmmm a handful of times and the vibration comes on. And with what I have learned recently about the right brain and left brain, corpus callosum, and pineal gland, I try to imagine the vibration vibrating that connection point as well as my third eye. (My head is still vibrating and I meditated over an hour ago.) I get kinda tired of saying Om after a while and I want to just lie there and feel the effect. Well, on cool enough mornings, I leave the kitchen window open… so my head continues to vibrate to the beautiful cicada songs. Blissful meltie peaceful brain.
Ha, I had to take a break from drawing so I took a walk… and the whole time my mind was in blissful meltie peacefulness thanks to the cicadas. 😉
Toroidal Wave A Flowin
7th Post of 10 Posts
Walka Walka Walka
Fozzy Bear? Anyways, I guess I set myself up to talk about walking. Sleepwalk, yoga, breffast, write, draw, walk. Which is fine by me because that has been my experimenting zone since I last wrote. It’s been a couple of weeks, busy weeks… but I knew I needed some time to pull it all together.
I think walking is one of the most underestimated, undervalued experiences we get to experience on a daily basis. If you are unable to walk, I’m saying this to the walkers who are not taking advantage of this experience. I thank my dog for introducing walking into my life. He’ll be five soon, so for about five years I have been walking just about every day. Before I was ‘walking’, my circulation was horrible! I still have problems staying in one spot, but before, ugh, my feet would turn purple if I sat for just moments. My mother said she would ask her father, “Why do you walk to the store every day to get the newspaper? Why don’t you drive?” She said he would complain of having “slow circulation”.
Then it dawned on me one day. How long have we had cars? For how many thousands of years, HUNDREDS OF THOUSANDS of years have we walked!!!! No wonder everybody is sick or is complaining of something. All of a sudden, now that we are in the year of our Ford, we just about walk to the fridge or the car. I’m not dissin’, it’s just the truth. Your genes and cells are squirming.
What does the dyslexic, insomniac philosopher do?????????? He’s stays up allllll night wondering if Dog really exists! Ha, I love that joke! So, if you don’t have a dog… get one. Haha, well, you can do these walking exercises at any time. Heck, I was killing my soul in Target the other day. I really despise going in stores like that. The lighting, the people, the overstimulation of products of death. But, I did the following exercise whilst gracing through the store. I felt like a god. So, if you have no dog 😦 , if you don’t have the guts to just go out your front door and go! (which I recommend!), you can do the following anywhere. Actually, just go to a park or something. A trail is best. Overstimulation from nature is grand. The plant pheromones and fresh air ahhhhhhhhhhhhhh.
Before I get into the whole Toroidal Action… this of course ties into with what I was talking about before. The savasana breathing, the solar plexus breathing. Breathing in from your center, out to your skin, and when you breathe out it falls back down to your center. Center, core, solar plexus, solar energy, cosmic energy. I mentioned how I tried this breathing in savasana in bed, rather than on the floor. I gave it a 2nd go the other night and it just wasn’t the same. So the walking exercise might be best to get feel of what I’m saying.
It’s funny how caught up we are in this material world. Everybody thinks every-body is just that, a body. But everything is made up of atoms… and atoms are not dense… are not dense. So, it’s like we are an ever changing constant flow of an interchange of atoms. That’s a nice platform to start. You can forget about all the labels you or society or the doctors have put on you. No, that was just their observance of you at that time. You are you now. You have choice. You can create. You can combine and let go.
So since my last post I just had the feeling I would be talking about walking. So every walk I was observing and asking… Eh? Eh? What is the magic that is happening here? Other than the obvious benefits such as endorphin release, circulation stimulation, oxygen intake and distribution, bonding time with my dog, saying hello and possibly chatting with whomever we’d meet… ya know, all the good normal stuff you could probably think of… I wanted the meat. Or I guess the gold. So I realized… ohhhhhhhhhhhh. I’m doing Richard’s Three Step exercise. Silly me, I’ve been doing this all along, on our walks, in the store, through my house, down the hall. All, Richard’s Three Step. Ok, so who is Richard and is this a dance move? If….. you are interested…. Richard Chesher Ph.D. The website is Thread-Of-Awareness.com. Highly recommended, but I’m here to pull and summarize.
So I’ve been trying to not be in pain. So I’ve been trying to create scenarios or constant mindgames to train my mind to not be in pain. So, maybe if I’m always in the present moment I won’t be aware of my pain. The breathing exercises has a lot to do with this. Focusing of the mind onto the breath has a lot to do with this. I was able to kick it up a notch when I combined breathing and walking.
Richard’s Three Step
If you walk (or run) three steps
—– left – right – left —— while breathing in and
—– right – left – right ——- while breathing out,
your heart beat will synchronize with your footfalls.
Starting with your left foot, whilst walking, anywhere… you start breathing in. Continue your breath in for three steps, left, right, left. Then, you will be breathing out, right, left, right. I have inadvertently trained myself to always breathe and walk like this. Like I said, I was a God in Target.
Really, you are just going to have to try this, and imprint yourself with this to see the result I’m trying to convey here. Ha, I just heard David Byrne say on his new album, “the more I lost myself the more it set me free”.
The Richard 3 Step gets interesting, because you start to play with different aspects of breathing and walking, and becoming and letting go. Not only do you start to become aware of the the blip moments, between breaths, between the in and out… the zero point, place of no thought. But you also start to get the Torus Effect.
Rather than thinking, I’m in pain, this stinks, poor me. I’m allowing my atoms to mix with all of the atoms around me that are in the process of becoming. I hear the acorns fall hard to the ground and I hope none of them bop Yoda on the head. This tree was once a seed. The fractal seed unfurls in all. I was once just a glimmer in an eye. Now I’m me, I’m here. Later, I’m hoping for paradise. We are not stagnant beings and the more I look around it seems as if everyone thinks they… well they don’t think. Haha, so they don’t think they are stagnant beings. They have become robots.
Everyday, Yoda and I, stop and stand on this giant tree stump. It’s funny because he stands there with me as I tell him, “Yoda, we’re standing ON the tree”. (He’s well versed in vocabulary). As we stand there, energized from continuous walking and breathing, we pause, and I feel the torus of me, tree and pup. I feel as tall as the tree once stood, but still grounded and rooted, and I carry this on for the rest of the day. Head in the stars and rooted to the center of the earth.
Who doesn’t like self-sustainment?
Simply put, the torus creates an energy vortex.
You can find the Torus Cycling… in… the earth’s electromagnetic field, the heart, space stations, electrical transformers, mmmmmmmmmmmm donutssssss.
Richard’s Three Step! Do it!
- pipperipembo reblogged this from yoga4eds and added:
“Once upon a time there was a fox and…”
8th Post of 10 Posts
I push boundaries… because I have none.
I found that in one of my many notebooks of little jots I have been keeping since highschool. I feel I am at the forefront of something… and I say that only because as I look around for assurance… I only find ‘my’ guidance. It has taken me so long to write for a few reasons… but the two main ones are: 1-The topic I intend to write about, and 2-The massive collage I started for the art part of the post. Both heavy heavy. So, as I write this, I am not done the collage… in which my intention was to not write until I was done the collage. But I’ve been feeling the urge to write for the past couple of days and with my new yoga practice I just experienced this morning… I find myself sitting here, pug in lap, clicking away.
The topic. Surrender.
I’ve been through a lot for a human being. I feel as if every day I have lived a lifetime. So when I say surrendering is the most difficult thing I have ever tried to embrace, I am trying to say erase your mind of whatever definition you applied to surrender. Surrendering is the utmost backwards approach to reality that society tries to influence on you.
This topic. Surrender. Found me.
At the time of my last post… I was touching on feeling the torus whilst walking. Through some limited words I was trying to express losing yourself. In Ouspensky’s In Search of the Miraculous, this is the intention. I shared before what stood out to me most from this book was the esoteric teaching of using your left hand. I treaded lightly here… because there is a lot to come out of this. What this is doing is training your mind to be aware in the moment. What I have been doing since I read this book is to be completely aware of every moment when I am alone. So when I am around someone else I have trained myself to no longer “be there.” This is months and months in the making… and I believe doing yoga everyday has played a major part in heightening my awareness. The one thing I left out about In Search of the Miraculous… which is probably the meat, or gold, that stood out to every reader, was the idea coined Self Remembering.
“Oh lotus-eyed one, sweet of touch, when singing, seeing, tasting, be aware you are and discover the ever-living.” -Shiva
From our parents, from our society, from early imprinting, from acceptance into culture… we are ever going out. I did that for 28 years and I found that leads one on a path of self destruction. I channeled that same energy flowing out of control, inwards… and I stand and look around… thinking… how can I convey this. THIS! Go ahead and google self remembering. Remember, I said before, Ouspensky was following George Gurdjieff… so really if you find sites with Gurdjieff’s teachings you are on the right track. Also, Osho was on the same wavelength. Most people walk around thinking “this is reality”… never once aware that “I” am in reality. Before this awareness, one is just reflecting the world around them. Once one becomes aware of the “I” in the moment, the reflection turns inwards. I didn’t bring this up before because this turns into a heady topic, one that takes practice, patience and time. Months of this… self-remembering and being aware in every moment when alone is how the almighty word of Surrender found me. Found me.
I knew I needed to explore this path and write about it when it started to appear in my journey. When I would start researching something… I just love clicking away on Wikipedia… following the thread of a web of portals… it always leads me to where I need to know. So in early September, I was losing myself in walking. Losing myself in making breakfast. Losing myself in practicing yoga. I was gracefully losing myself…. watching myself. I have felt since the start of this blog… that ‘every reader’ will be able to at least ‘pull one thing from my words’. And that is great. But I have also felt that ‘one reader’ will be able to ‘pull all my words’. To that person… and this is after months and months of training myself to be aware in the now and then “watching myself” in the now… which only lasts for a second at a time… the trick is to keep pushing that second. Then push that a little more. (Personally, balancing the idea of ‘effort’ and surrendering was difficult for me to grasp. It took me a while to realize I was watching too much and not giving enough effort. Still I’m circling around this.) In early September I was able to prolong these moments and this is where I speak of the most difficult thing I have ever attempted. Complete surrender. It is unlike anything.
Why I even attempt to explain this, and to others with Ehlers-Danlos, is possibly one in the same. In the Gurdjieff/Ouspensky line of thought, they believed one had to attend “schools” to attain and maintain these higher states of consciousness because man naturally shifts back down into mechanical thought and action. They believed one needed the constant presence of like-minded-others to keep your mind from shifting back to the mechanical thought… that 99% of people are caught in. It dawned on me one day I HAVE a constant reminder… I have a constant shock of “pain” through my system. Constant. And maybe… if I perceive my constant shock of pain as a constant flow of awareness through myself… I can………………..
And this is the ground I have found myself walking on. I want to say it hasn’t been a choice of mine, but I guess I did choose to give up on the path of self-destruction. I was faced literally with the choice: Here, self-destruct… or follow the thread. So on my Wikipedia-thread-following one day in early September, I found myself pulling out my debit card and ordering a book. The book I wanted was not in stock on Amazon, but “a customer also bought”… Samarpan: Living the Divine Connection. Samarpan, the process of unconditional self-surrender. That same week I went to a meeting of sorts and again the same topic, surrender. The next morning, the conversation with my doctor, surrender. I have an older friend who is losing his mind from a stroke and from dementia, and I witness him… and think… he’s close to the end… and his biggest lesson to learn… is surrender. To surrender… is to go against everything…. every thought, every temptation, everything that is engrained in your psyche. This is pushing the boundaries within and letting go.
Finding the book Samarpan, which I recently realized was written by the yogi that I quoted before, the one that wrote Kundalini Yoga… well finding this book… helped me realize… the path of surrender takes time. I was beating myself up at first thinking, why can’t I hold onto these moments of no-thought, of complete self surrender to whatever it is… God, the divine consciousness, or maybe it is just the higher workings of my brain. But the moment I read that it takes time, I felt more in the groove of flow of surrendering. Ahhhhhhhhhhhh….. allowing it to happen.
So I tried a new yoga dvd this morning. I find myself laughing at myself a lot. Sometimes I am able to step outside of myself and look at myself as some silly, silly girl. Oh jees, this silly girl has been waking up every morning and was doing the same yoga practice every morning. Yeah! I HAVE BEEN! You know why? Cuz it’s the best I have found. It makes me feel good!…. It makes Me feel Go(o)d! 😉 So I tried a new practice this morning… Shiva Rea: Fluid Power- Vinyasa Flow Yoga. I more or less settled on this dvd, but figured for 5 bucks or so it’s worth a shot. Game changer. The fluidity of movement. I was going to post on the Facebook page a week ago a video about QiGong, the ancient Chinese practice of moving Qi, or prana, or lifeforce energy throughout your body. When I started to look up a video to share I came across part of a practice where you feel a weight on your shoulders and you feel your head as if it is a balloon. Game changer! I’ve been walking around with such a screwed up neck, unable to find relief until that moment. I was already shifting my awareness waaaaaaay up “head in the stars”… but this QiGong mind and body trick was what I needed in my bag of magic. Then Miss Shiva Rea had to blow open another door by making me realize this morning that feeling the flow of qi is really feeling and moving the water around in your body! Sounds simple… but this is shattering. The precise moment it hit me:
In Baddha Konasana, which is pretty much you sitting upright with your feet together in front of you, “Indian style,” but not cross- legged, feet together… in the practice you bend forward in Baddha Konasana while breathing out…. Bring the top half up your body up while breathing in… and I think we did this a couple of times, as you are feeling “the rhythm,” and then you just fold forward and breath into a deeper stretch in Baddha Konasana. As I looked at the TV and thought “damn, she’s really stretching way past me,” she said, “many of my student friends, who feel quite stiff here, have a totally different experience when they move with the wave, keeping the fluid source of their flexibility, in play, in presence, in motion.” Ohhhhhhhh, now I can go deeper. I continued the practice… and felt the qi more as qi through the water of my body… being that we are made mainly of water.
I finished the practice as my boyfriend came downstairs for his cup of coffee. I thought, I feel pretty good. I feel more fluid, I like how that workout wasn’t stretchy, not as deep and intense as Rainbeau Mars’ but as an assessment… I dig. I dig. I rolled up my mat in the way that I do every morning, presently. Opened the curtains and the blinds to let in in the light, presently. As I put my mat on my series of National Geographics I realized I felt a fluidity. Hmmmm. I walked to the kitchen and noticed…. Whoahhhhhh….. I’m moving with more of a fluidity. What shall I make for our breakfast today? I washed off a bunch of blueberries in a bowl and, as I swirl them around to rinse off the Dr. Bronner’s (Magic All One Soap), my observer is observing the flow of the fluidity of the blueberries. All caught in a current, in a beautiful unison. Whoah! I felt the witnessing of the blueberries and the internal feel of my cells… VIBRATE…
All as one. All as flow. “All Flows”- Heraclitus
A holy man is a man who is whole.
I wrote this post on 10/10/12. I made this collage on 10/16/12. It’s funny, because I almost felt like I wanted someone to let me know how much effort to give to find the right amount of grace under surrender. Well, I think I just helped myself realize this a little more. I totally surrendered to this collage. When I was looking for the images, surrender. When I was slicing them, surrender. When I was putting them together, surrender. Ummmm… to just completely surrender is a little crazy. There was about 15 times during this collage where I wanted to stop… thinking, what the hell am I doing? But that little voice that barely ever speaks up said, “Shut up! Just keep going!” Well I realized why I had to do this. I didn’t even glue anything down. I had to do this to realize that there has to be order to the chaos. There has to be balance. When I was done writing this post I wrote the line “A holy man is a man who is whole.” I thought… this doesn’t have much to do with that Heraclitus quote or blueberries… why did I just write that? Well, now I know why. I plan to take apart the parts I like from the collage and have more order to the chaos. I was very tempted to not share this collage… but I believe it is part of the journey and so far I have been sharing without questioning. Right brain, you’s a little crazy. 😉
“Oenuc APAN Atime tHeR WAS A FOX AND…”
I made it from the bottom to the top, so feel free to view accordingly.
11/30/12 – HA! I just found this picture in my phone today! I guess I took this at the time of making the collage… the National Geographics are in the background… but ha! A fox on Yoda’s head. The fox was a synchronicity for me at this time, and since.
Awwwww…. I guess he was helping me… like he usually does. 🙂
Swimming With the Infinite
9th Post of 10 Posts
Swimming With the Infinite
Riding the natural pulse….
I have spent the last month, since the last post, coming back down. Sharing my secrets of Surrendering and Self-Remembering I felt as if I pushed it, a little. But just as natural as that felt for me, I’ve always been one to push things a little bit here a little bit there… I felt this natural flow to come back into a stillness. And I have been resting there, exploring there, for the past month.
I have not yet expressed how much yoga has changed my life. Snapshot of me a year ago and of me now and you would be inspired to do yoga every day, too. Going from that same strengthening yoga practice every day to the fluid practice for every two days and then the strengthening of the third day I have become even more in tune with my body. Now able to sit in a more available double pigeon, I find that I feel like an evolved being every time we go for a walk nowadays. My hips, once plagued with pain, having been born with dysplastic hips and sporting Forrest Gump braces for my first six months, now feel more lateral… they feel open and free to move. And from there my lower spine… open. My nervous system flows with energy… just booming with energy… from my lower spine, all my movements now feel full of life. I feel like a completely different person… taking every moment as a gift now.
But I’m human… or American I should say…. When I wake up every morning I just want to stay in bed. Even as I wash my face and “put in my eyes” I “don’t feel like doing yoga…uhhhh”. But last week I thought… “Dummy, you know yoga makes you feel good. Just moments into the practice you remember why you do this every day… so why not wake up feeling grateful for yoga.” Think, “I can’t wait to do yoga!” So, I changed my mindset… and I found myself with a completely different head. Instead of having a fear-based resistant mind I was open to the flow of becoming.
Some days I might express my gratitude for yoga, aloud. “Thank god I found this. Thank god it works.“ And my boyfriend, an intelligent skeptic, would ask, “Are you just setting up limits for yourself… that you ‘have’ to do yoga every day?” I would say…. “Nooooooooo. I know what I feel like when I don’t do yoga. I know what I feel like halfway through the practice when “the change” happens…. And I know what I feel like after the practice.” But the man had me thinking: Am I just setting up self-made limits? If I have been waking up and then practicing right away everyday… how would I really know?
So it was the second morning of new mind set, being excited for yoga. I’m in my living room and I only got to the second loading menu screen of my yoga dvd, when I hear water ‘raining’ in my house. But….. it’s not raining outside. I look into the foyer and sheets of water are raining ‘in’ my house. What a sight! Sheets of water are raining in the basement. Let’s just say I got to put this yoga thing to the test. A three hour delay due to a broken pipe tested me. My mind, more centered than ever, making quick decisions and aware of small details to save a light fixture from smashing or the basement from becoming flooded. But as far as my body… my electrical system was short circuited. My neck, ready to bulge with pressure. My wrists, every joint, no flow. Moral of story… awakening to yoga… if you are suffering from Ehlers-Danlos… it might seem like something you don’t feel like doing… but I’m sorry… seems like the only path to me.
Spending every two days with this new practice has probably been the reason for riding the wave back in deeper.
“Then diving more deeply,
expand into freedom.”
-From the beautiful Radiance Sutras (vijnana bhairava tantra)
The ra’yoKa practice doesn’t allow for deeper stretches, the flow is quicker. And to be honest I used to be skeptical of deep stretching with Ehlers-Danlos. Until I realized it is not about deep stretching your joints… this is deep stretching into the Source.
So looking at my snapshot… different person. From my point of view, what I feel within me… I feel in touch with that source… whatever it is, the stillness where everything is created from, qi, the lifeforce energy… my soul. I’m not one to label things… I’m more of an advocate of experiencing life than trying to explain, define and limit the essence of things.
I quoted Shiva Rea in my last post “many of my student friends, who feel quite stiff here, have a totally different experience when they move with the wave, keeping the fluid source of their flexibility, in play, in presence, in motion.” That was the first day of that practice… that was before I really started to feel the effects of this style of practice. She continues with, “so as you explore the landscape of your flexibility, visualize this, as a delta in which you can ride many tributaries down deeper into your source.” As a delta…. “Riding the many tributaries deeper into your source”. That has been my ‘mantra’ in a sense since I last wrote. With the solar plexus breathing, you really feel an awakening through your body. As any pendulum sways or as with any yin and yang, the force comes back. And this coming back, deep into relaxed state, riding the many tributaries deeper into the source is where I have been flowing lately. Whether at home, in the car, waiting in line at Trader Joe’s… I am still… riding the tributaries deep down.
I have reached the age of my parents, where my one parent had a minor heart attack. Within a couple years I will reach the age in which the other parent had a sub-dural hematoma… a blood vessel burst in the back of their head. I feel as if the torus breathing has had a great effect on my heart, it just seems to be in more of a working order nowadays. But my neck…. Ehhhhhhhh. So I thought, if I don’t think as much, if I center my mind… maybe my body will be in more of a working order. So with that came more awareness, but with that came awareness of pain, but I did not stop there. Rainbeau says often in her practices “What is in the way, is the way.” So from yoga, I have the centered mind as well as the synovial fluid flowing through my joints… but with the pain I often feel where my skull and spine meet, I’m just doomed. Unless I figure out alternatives. If I was a yogi meditating in a Himalayan cave all day I might be golden, but I’m an American Zebra. I’ve got shit to do.
As of late, my boyfriend has fallen in love with the fireplace, really as a way for cheap heat, but he is free to do as he pleases, so burn baby burn. For the past couple of weeks I rest in front of the fire, heart to hearth… and watch the blue and orange flames dance wildly, in and out of existence. I never ever think, “Why me?” when it comes to Ehlers-Danlos…. But as I lie there the thought arises, “Why anyone?” But in these moments, if I catch myself before I get too philosophical… I think… stop thinking… melt. Ride the tributaries. Ride the tributaries. Close your eyes for a moment… when you exhale back in from the solar plexus breathing… when you exhale back in feel your entire self melt….. feel the intelligence inside your body relax into tiny rivers… into tributaries…. Into the ground. And from that relaxed point is where to build from. Falling back into the source.
So I had a neat flashback to a flashback moment happen. In Shiva Rea’s Fluid Power Yoga she introduced a move I had never done before. Swimming with the Infinite. When I met up with “The Other’s” who have EDS I felt as if I was meeting my long lost brother and my long lost sister. To finally meet someone who has been through all the hell and confusion you have been through it is such a release. You also notice the similarities, and you feel not so alone anymore. The one thing I noticed… as we were all sitting around… is that they would feel this need to stretch out this arm or both legs. Constantly this wormy stretching. It dawned on me… I used to do that, too… before I was on the medications. Hmmmmm… but it was almost like they didn’t know when to stop stretching. It was this wildly motion of going out. Now that I’m getting in touch with my true nature… I’m finding the balance of that worming out. Even in my last post, I felt this going out feeling… but how to balance?
In Swimming with the Infinite… after either quite a core workout if using the Core Chapter scs sequence… or if using the Prana Yoga Slow Wave Chapter it is more of an intoxicating womb like feeling… you lay, starting on your right side…. With your right arm underneath you stretch your right arm so it is above your head, but underneath you. Then, as if you are swimming, stretch your left arm out in front of you, and pulllllll it in slowly, as if you are really swimming, bringing energy in, feeling it come into your center, your core, your source. Simultaneously your legs are also swimming feeling the stretch on out… but also tethered to your core. This is a very beautiful, creative flowing movement. Whoahhhhhh… this is like swimming in the womb………………………………………….
The flashback of a flashback, actually of a flashback. Haha.
About three years ago I was lucky enough to get myself into an Isolation Tank… a deprivation tank… a float tank. Whatever the name the game is sensory deprivation. This effect is possible due to the enclosed, soundproof nature of the tank as well as the 700 pounds of Epsom salts in the water of the tank. Also, the air temperature and water temperature of the tank are both set to about 93 degrees. The effect… you are floating in a dark enclosed space where the temperature all around you is the same as your skin. Total relaxation. Total boundary dissolution.
I’m not saying to go out and try it. It is not like a roller coaster ride where you will definitely have some grand experience. It is used as a healing tool if anything. Of the hour within the tank, you spend the first quarter of it getting used to the odd feeling Trying to center yourself in the tank is the trick it seems… because if you don’t you find yourself drifting to the edge, bumping your foot as you are trying to meditate.
My major assessment from my one time (I’m planning on visiting the tank later this winter), my major assessment at the time was that all those times I was meditating before the tank… I was NOWHERE close, NOWHERE EVEN close to a real relaxed state. I was completely unaware of how quiet the mind can get, how relaxed the mind can get. It was almost alarming to think I thought I was quieting my mind all those times before. I was kidding myself. Since this tank experience I have been doing yoga and meditating every day, but I also put aside fluoride and television three years ago. So I’m kinda excited to see how deep I can get this time.
So, I was relaxing in the tank and thought… my time is probably almost up. Let me see what time it is. I trudge through the thick water, and open the space capsule door to the mildly lit room to see I have been in for 50 minutes. 10 minutes to go. Cool. So I bring my head back in, shut myself within the capsule and as I’m bringing myself back through the tank to lay down I think “How did all these stars get in here!?!?” The top of the tank is now a night sky filled with stars! I reach my hands out, grasping, is this real? I have been staring at the top of this tank for 50 minutes and these stars were not here before! I later read as an old parlor trick, the eye will often hallucinate if it is submitted to darkness then light and then back to darkness again.
So I laid down, floating, and for some natural reason I close my eyes. Then, in my mind’s eye, I see an eyeball float out into the center of my vision. It starts out with an “eye shut” position and then goes to an “open” position. As it is opening, an arc of light is coming from the eyeball. I think to myself… whoah! I’m hallucinating! Hallucination in the tank is one of the possible effects. My boyfriend who was in before me did not hallucinate so I was very excited it was actually happening. The eye kept on opening and closing until I realized… Oh, I think it’s trying to tell me to open my eyes! I’m in complete darkness, open or closed didn’t seem to make a difference… well maybe it does! And I’m no longer staring at the stars, I am now flying through the stars at light speed. Weightless, mindless, with relaxed breath. At this point I’m picking up on some sort of Grecian or Roman bust. It is of a man. In the collage of my last post there is a Grecian bust to the lower right of the image… that was put there because of this experience. At the time I was thinking that this was my higher self because of something my boyfriend read to me. I don’t know who the Grecian was, but he was of a “perfect” being. I probably should have written what I hallucinated after that point because now I do not remember. Maybe because all of the hallucinations were overshadowed by “the ultimate point”:
I knew my time was coming to an end… so I started to move my body around. Up until this point I was focused on relaxing, so I could go deep into mind. But I thought, eh, I am always in pain, let me stretch these bones around while I’m floating in this weightlessness. Ahhhhhhhh….. Swimming with the infinite. Like I said earlier, I was born with dysplastic hips, which is where the ball and socket joint were not so connected… as I’m lying on my back, I think ehh, let me move my knees up and around to give my hips a little stretch… a little rotation. As my knees come up to the highest point they’ll naturally go I am hit with a lightening speed, all-encompassing moment. I’m flooded with the deepest of thoughts and feelings but at the same time an all-encompassing feeling of nothingness. The thought/moment/feeling: “This is a flashback of you being in the womb/ This is how it felt when you were in the womb/ You were meditating the whole time you were in the womb/ You were a guru meditating in the womb!” And just as fast as it came, it left. “That’s it!” That’s the feeling we are all striving for. Everyone… everything… just wants to feel that feeling again. So why not try to find it… and embrace it as long as humanly possible… sharing it with everyone, even if it is in the littlest of ways.
What a deep peace.
Post written and painted on 11/13/12. Happy Birthday to my bestest of friends!!!!!! Hmmmm, on my past birthday we fed the koi at the botanical gardens… in which we chose to go there rather than the float tanks. What a koi-ink-ee-dink! Happy Birthday my Scorpian Sister…. ❤ Your Fishie Piscean Friend 🙂
Swimming with the infinite, feeling the push and pull, that magnetic almost magical energy.
The blue and orange “complimentary colors” kept appearing these past couple of weeks… in these short but beautiful November sunsets as well as the dancing flames within my fireplace. The orange koi representing the Yang energy and the blue koi representing the Yin energy, they swim and play in a delicate balance, together creating harmony.
Follow the Yellow Brick Road
10th Post of 10 Posts
December 19 2012, 7:43 PM by Yoga4EDS
Around the day of my last post I found myself picking up an old book I tend to feather through at times. The book: “The Book of Internal Exercises.” The back cover, “PERFECT HEALTH AND BOUNDLESS ENERGY are yours for the asking,” with a yin-yang symbol to the right. Some following words are “Ancient Sages, devised 6,000 years ago, aid in the art of self-healing, energize the entire body, REGULATE YOUR HEALTH IN ACCORD WITH THE NATURAL LAWS.” My favorite part of the book is on the front cover, a small piece of white tape with a .25 written on the tape. I guess no one wanted this book. I ganked it off the shelf of my boyfriend’s old bedroom at his parents’ house.
Having a lot of neck problems I picked up this book again. Me gutty is telling me to look into meridians and the energy systems of the body. So maybe I should actually start this book at the beginning rather than feather it through. The book begins with the way of the Tao. One must live in accordance with the natural laws of the universe, to be truly healthy.
“The root of the way of life, of birth and change is Qi (energy); the myriad things of heaven and earth all obey this law. Thus Qi in the periphery envelops heaven and earth. Qi in the interior activates them. The source wherefrom the sun, moon and stars derive their light, the thunder, rain, wind and cloud their being, the four seasons and the myriad things their birth, growth, gathering and storing: all this is brought about by Qi. Man’s possession of life is completely dependent upon this Qi.”
I continued to read about the electromagnetic field of oneself, altered by exercise and diet, the flow paths of energy through the meridian system and how disease happens when the energy is blocked. Chapter 2 began with the title “The Deer, The Crane and The Turtle.” As I read I realized why, in that Qi-gong video I posted, the herbalists in China used the deer antler. This book explained the glandular systems and how each gland could be visualized as a vessel, each being dependent on another, so if one were depleted, the others would drain. “Our task becomes then one of not only reestablishing the balanced flow of energy to overcome this weakness, but also to stimulate the flow of energy so that we raise the level of energy within our bodies to its maximum. Through this increase of energy we are then able to reverse our current weakness and heal ourselves, as well as to utilize the higher order of energy to open up our spiritual centers.” Yeah, look at that, the image for where all of the glands are placed are the exact spots where all of the chakras are placed. Hmmmm….. interesting. And on a side note, when dummy doctor diagnosed me with “““fibromyalgia””” the “test” was him pushing on certain points on my back asking, “Does this hurt?” “Yes.” “Does this?” “Yeah.” “How about this?” “Ouch, yes!” Fibromyalgia my ass. I came across a meridian chart a couple of years later. Those are meridian points, buddy. And he was an Asian doctor, too. Man, “they” train ‘em good. Here’s your prescription pad, you are now a doctor.
So, I am really bad at “finishing” books. I only read up to the turtle… “The Deer, The Crane and The Turtle.” Like I said this was at the time of my last post. So the day after my last post I decided to take Yoda on a walk at the local town park that has a lake. It was a cool morning and I was feeling open to possibilities. As we crossed a small bridge, I wanted to take in the change of the seasons so I stopped on the bridge and looked around. Oo! I wonder if that turtle is here! He is often on the branch that is peaking out of the water. No. It’s probably too cold for him. La dee daa daa. I walk joyfully until I’m hit with all this yellow caution tape. Oh no! That huge tree was uprooted from the ‘cane! I mean, Hurricane Sandy! And it fell on the hundred-something year old boathouse! But, ha! The boathouse stood there proud and mighty. “Must have been built with a strong foundation,” I think to myself.
Yoda and I continue on around the lake. I get this feeling that I should look around for signs or something. As soon as I do, I see a crane. What? I never see birds like that here. It’s always geese of some type. He is alone, standing beautifully in the water casting a shadow from those tall legs of his. We continue around the lake and hang out by these huge trees for a moment. Past the trees is an old stone house. This was an old Victorian town so everything just has a neat feel to it. I wonder, who lives in this house, it’s right near the school so there’s not much privacy and ohhhhhhhhh…. Look at the deer statue right near the house! I never saw that before. Yoda and I walked past the house, closer to the lake… and there is a beautiful bronze deer statue, the deer kneeling to take a sip of water. What the heck. The Deer, The Crane… well the turtle wasn’t there. Well, not even 20 minutes later my dad texted me a random picture of a turtle on his front path. I guess it had a trail of pee behind him that my dad thought was hilarious and thought I too would find hilarious. Ok, there’s my turtle. Weird. I think something is trying to tell me I’m on the right path.
At the time, I thought my next post would be about me meeting Rainbeau. (In the beginning of November I received an email that I was the “Winner for a Private Consultation Session with Rainbeau Mars” for a Special Offer Contest they were running.) My socks had been blown off, not exactly because I won the contest. You see, a month before the contest I wrote Rainbeau a thank you email, expressing my gratitude for how much ra’yoKa changed my life. As soon as I finished the last word, I started to cry. I’m not one to cry often, I’m pretty tough, but it was almost as if it was a release. So I figured, she’ll never read this, maybe I just wrote it as a release. Select All, Delete. Then I felt this feeling of, “I’d like to meet her. It’d be nice to thank her personally.” A month later I was rolling through my news feed on facebook and I read a couple of her posts. I like her energy, she makes me feel good. So I awoke the next morning and the first thought that hit my mind was, “Go to Rainbeau’s Facebook page.” That’s weird. I never really go on facebook and I never do anything “electronic” before yoga… but, okay. I grabbed my phone to check her page and there was a post I did not see the day before. It must have been an earlier post. It was the contest offer post.
So of course, after my last post, I’m thinking to myself, ok, maybe I stimulated that vagus nerve or something. One of the benefits of stimulating that nerve is clairvoyance. This is weird, but I like to have a good time, and this is kind of fun. Let’s see where this is going. So I spend about a week looking up site seeing in California. Oh, I’m going. I need to go right away. I’m going to go in December. Since I’m thinking this, it will happen. Uh huh. Then I’m hit with a word for about 3 days. Uncertainty. I’m also hit with a car trouble which could be the cost of a plane ticket! I’m left suspended without a car. I’m looking up flights and the prices are increasing by the day. Uncertainty. Uncertainty. Every aspect of my life for 3 days is this word… uncertainty! I ask my boyfriend, “Isn’t there some kind of Uncertainty Principle or something?” He answers back, “Uh, yeah. That’s Heisenberg.” “I thought so! What is it?” “I don’t remember.” It has been a few years since we’ve been “into” quantum mechanics. I grabbed my phone and googled Uncertainty Principle and I read the first paragraph from Wikipedia aloud. Trying to understand it, we laugh…. Uh ok. But between our two brains we are able to figure it out. In wave-particle theory… “The more precisely the position of some particle is determined, the less precisely its momentum can be known, and vice versa.” We assess, the more you know of the particle, where it is, where it’s at, the less you know about where it is going or where it will end up. Hmmm… I’ve been trying to be “more in the now”… maybe I might not be going to Cali in December. Realistically, I should wait until after the Christmas season. Hmmm… I looked out the window, “Wow! Look how foggy it is this morning!” Looks like interesting walking weather! As I’m out on a Mommy and Yoda walk I use the fog to my advantage. It is helping me keep my mind from wandering. Hm, how about this. I don’t decide yet what my next post will be about. I will walk around, as ‘in the now’ as possible… no worries, thoughts, assumptions about the future. I use the fog to help keep my mind from wandering out. I think, funny how the fog seems to appear only in the morning. The next morning, cloudy sky, foggy streets. I leave a store later that night. Fog. Haha, ok so maybe there is night fog. Well how about “all day/ all night fog” for the next… I forget if it was four days or more. I laugh to myself, “This is really training my mind to be only in the now.”
I was a little worried at first, in not having a topic that I would be wasting my time. I had already wasted a week or two looking up Santa Monica and Los Angeles. Now I’m at week three just totally topic-less… but going with my gut. I figured, the more in the now I am, the clearer the memory will store. So, I will have a collection of experiences databased in my brain and I’m leaving it up to chance for them to all come together. Testing this uncertainty thing, I think to myself, alright… I’ll be completely in the now, completely uncertain… but I want something to happen right before I write my next post. Something I could not have assumed. Something that shocks me. It will probably be around the date 12/21/12… so go ahead, shock me.
I swear, once I started living in the state of uncertainty… which is a state where all possibilities are endless… all of uncertainty unravels. Luckily, I had been working on being in touch with my inner observer, so I was able to flow through each situation very Zen-like. Just watching everything unravel, almost in a comical way.
When my boyfriend was proof reading my last post, since I just allow the flow to happen, I need some sort of editing… I heard him comment, “Oh, good.” “Oh good, what?” I ask. “Oh, you bring up a yoga move. You don’t talk about yoga enough sometimes.” I think to myself… Hey, I’m trying to push consciousness here. People should just do the yoga! But the thought stuck with me, maybe I need to incorporate more yoga into the blog. So we watch Yogis of Tibet one night. Never before interviews of yogis, they know their knowledge is in danger with China’s fist crushing their culture. Time to release the secrets to the public. I guess a lot of us are feeling that urge. One thing that struck me was a breathing technique. I forget if they talked about it in the documentary or if I found it when I googled Tumo but it expands on that solar plexus breathing. Instead of just stopping at your skin when you breath in, when you breath in you feel the ENTIRE UNIVERSE. When you breath out, it falls back down, into your center, into the size of and eighth of a hairline. Whoahhhhhh. That’s what I needed.
That next morning was going to be an early one. I had to push my doctor’s appointment up a few hours. Instead of 11 I had to be there at 7. I don’t know if I can squeeze yoga in before that. Ooooo! This will be a good time to again test the effects of not doing yoga. I do about 2 minutes of moves so I’m not completely crippled. I rush rush so I’m not late. Door is locked. A woman walking by comments, “Early appointment?” Texting with my doc she uses the word emergency and she’ll be about a half hour. Ya know, I could have done yoga. Wait. What has happened, happened. Don’t have any opinion, thoughts. Keep the fog. There’s a nice empty lobby, half of it open with an arc of windows. I sit in the chair. I feel my pain. I remember the Universal breathing. I sit for 20 minutes, with my legs crossed, in the chair… feeling as light as air.
As soon as the foggy days clear up my mind goes from being very very focused in the here and now… to open just like the blue sky now above me. My mind is flooded with thoughts and ideas. Just streaming in. These thoughts are disrupting my focusing on the now. Maybe I should just write them down. I grab my jotty notebook and fill 2 pages. It’s all the experiences that stood out over my experimental foggy days.
I also notice I haven’t been dreaming much. Weird, cuz I’m quite a dreamer. At this time I finally had a dream. I was in a store that I frequent often and all of a sudden I drop a whole bunch of coins on the floor. As I’m picking them up my eye catches the back of a quarter. “I’ve never seen the back of a quarter look like that.” I pick up the quarter and it glows gold. The image is of a man, with a flat head, flying halfway through the sky, from the mountains to the sun. And either right before I woke up or as I woke up the thought flooded me, “All your focusing paid off. Because of your focusing you were able to spot and find this coin. It’s the “Enlightenment Coin”.“ Whoah! That was a weird dream. I collect coins so it was right up my alley. But the thing that hit me most was the flat top of the being’s head. What was that? Why was it flat?
Of course, on my magical mystery tour, I’m in that store the next day, standing in the same spot. I hear a clash of coins on the counter. “Ahhhh, I found one!” The old man says as he picks up a coin. He’s a Wheaties collector, like me. I have had dreams come true before… so I wasn’t fazed by anything, but again, the flat top head is now really urking me. Twice over the next week, I hear from two different people… “I’ve never seen the back of a quarter like that?” All that floods my mind is Flat Top Tony. This flat top!
My new favorite yoga move at this time is Mandala Namaskar. At first when I tried it I found myself getting slightly angry/confused at Shiva Rea. Why are you making me do these postures around in a circle? Am I supposed to use my right leg now, or my left? Now I’m not even facing the t.v., ugh! It took me a couple of times to realize I should shut up. I don’t know enough to make an assumption. The third time’s the charm. The third time I tried this workout I am hit with the effect at the end. OHHHHHHH. I get it. You move through the asanas in a circular pattern to finally receive a 360 degree view at the end, or at least, it feels like it once you come back up to stand in mountain pose.
So I learned over the past month… that sometimes, we don’t know shit. We all walk around acting like we know everything… but once you step out into the timeless space of uncertainty, the real game starts. I’m reminded of an old story. I keep thinking of this old story… so last night I decided to google it so I can share it with all. I could not come across the “right wording” so I tell it in my own words.
A long, long time ago, in far away China, there lived a very poor farmer, but he had the most beautiful horse. All of the people of town tried to urge him to sell his horse. The poor farmer was only growing older so he would be able to live off the monies earned. But he loved this horse, so the horse stayed. Until one day, without any reason the horse ran away. All of the people of town came spouting their minds, “You should have sold the horse you stupid old man. Now your horse is gone, what a tragedy.” The wise old man replied, “Good or bad? We cannot be certain. All I know is that my horse ran away.”
A few days later his horse returned but with a small herd of wild horses. All of the people of town came running to his house, “You were right! This was not a tragedy! You are now the wealthiest farmer by far!” But the old man replied, “Good or bad? We cannot be certain. All I know is that my horse returned and I now have more horses.”
Being that the horses were wild, the old man’s only son offered to help tame them. As soon as he was able to get upon just one horse he was thrown off and broke both of his legs. All of the people of town came to express their sorrow, “Again, what a tragedy. He is your only son. Being that you are a farmer and only growing older, who will take care of you now?” The old man replied, “Good or bad? We cannot be certain. All I know is that my son has broken legs.”
Within a few days the town was flooded with military officers rounding up every young man in sight. The old farmer’s son was spared due to his broken legs. It was said that none of the young men came home.
So, like I said. I could not find a story with the right wording. So I spent about a half hour searching for this story… coming across all sorts of old Chinese folklore. I read a story about a man killing a deer. He was not sure if it was reality or a dream. The story continues in a silly way, in which every person was held accountable, were they dreaming? The story ends… “The Adviser reported, “Sir, whether this case is about dreams or reality I cannot tell. Only (really wise men like) Huang Di or Confucius can differentiate dreams and realities. Since they are both dead, I recommend that we leave the Magistrate’s decision be.” “
Hmmm… I’m all about the wise. I know of Confucius… but who is this Huang Di. Without even thinking, I’m highlighting the man’s name, opening up another tab, copying and pasting the name, hitting enter…. And…. my….. mouth….. drops……
“The Yellow Emperor”
“A mythological emperor, a culture hero, and patron saint of Daoism.
Huangdi is held up in some ancient sources as a paragon of wisdom whose reign was a golden age. He is said to have dreamed of an ideal kingdom whose tranquil inhabitants lived in harmonious accord with the natural law and possessed virtues remarkably like those espoused by early Daoism. On waking from his dream, Huangdi sought to inculcate these virtues in his own kingdom, to ensure order and prosperity among the inhabitants. Upon his death he was said to have become an immortal.”
His “great work”, the Nei Ching, still lives on. –> http://www.five-element.com/graphics/neijing.pdf
To top it off… the quote I have earlier in this post, about Qi. Well, after I typed it I thought, “Maybe I should search this person’s name so I know who I’m quoting.”
-Nei Ching <—> The Yellow Emperor
I think I’m on the right track.